God's got a good grip

I remember when I became absolutely sure of my salvation. Before that point, I would go through periods when I felt really close to God, and times when I desperately prayed for salvation again "just to make sure." I wanted to follow God but sometimes I strayed for awhile- and then I would be so afraid that I wasn't really saved after all. It wasn't until about 3 years ago when I started reading the Bible more regularly and reading articles on theology that I became sure of my salvation. The reason I can be so sure is because it doesn't depend on me. God is the one who saves. If I had to trust in myself for any part of it, I'd never be fully convinced. But God did all the work.

I have always felt that God just had this hold on my heart. As much as my flesh tries to battle it; as much as I try to rebel and make my own decisions, I feel like I can only go so far before I come bouncing back like a ball on a string. I don't want to stray too far. Even when I'm feeling rebellious and fed up with Christianity; even when I want to throw in the towel and stop trying to live God's way, I never want to give up completely. There's always a part of me that wants to follow God and serve him alone. There's always a part of me that loves God and knows he loves me.

Usually it's comforting knowing that God has me in the palm of his hand. But sometimes it feels inescapable, like I didn't have a choice. I think I feel that way when I get tired of my flesh battling against my heart. I want to just give up and give in, but I can't. Whenever I start to go after my own selfish desires, I feel a sense of deep dissatisfaction. I know that God's purposes are what's truly important in this world and I can't live outside his will for long without feeling like I'm wasting my life.

A fellow blogger stated it this way, "I cannot sit and sip coffee and read good books only for my own pleasure. I cannot stare at the television every evening while precious minutes fly by. Time is short. I have seen God in his Word and I must pursue his will. I cannot allow myself to be drawn into excessive sleeping and eating and exercise and pursue all my own whimiscal desires – because I know. I know the love and power and grace of God and I must share it!"

Now that I know Jesus, I've been ruined for the pleasures of the world. I can never be satisfied by them, because I know the One who satisfies! I can't pursue my own selfish desires for long because I have a calling on my life. The hard part is surrendering to this calling instead of trying to fight it. To rest in God's hands instead of trying to escape. To follow God's plans instead of trying to do things my way. God keeps pulling me back with his strong grip, and this time I want to stay.