Why am I doing this again?

So, the week from hell is now over. I've realized that no matter what, we're bound to have at least one or two weeks every semester when it seems like everything is due. (Not including finals week; that's a given). This week was horrible not only because we had two tests and a quiz in a two-day span, but also because it was our first test in M&A and Exercise Phys, so we had no idea what to expect. I knew I had to memorize a lot of information, but both tests were much harder than I anticipated. Dr. Ross basically treats Exercise Phys like a joke, but he still put random numbers and formulas on the test. It was frustrating because he never explained those things well in the first place. For M&A, I was definitely expecting Dr. Puzzle's test to be hard, but it was EXTREMELY hard. There were so many tricky and confusing questions that I had a headache by the end of the test.

Not surprisingly, everyone in the class seems to be really stressed out right now. What is surprising is the fact that I've heard from at least 3 different people that they've had second thoughts about continuing in the program! One guy said that after the M&A test he was so upset that he almost walked down to Dr. Mayhew's office to tell him that he was dropping out of PT school. Another girl was having such a mental breakdown that she skipped an entire day of class (which is unheard of in this program; no one ever skips). I think it just comes with the territory- grad school is going to be difficult and stressful. You're going to question why you're doing this. You're going to question IF you can do this. You're going to have days where you feel depressed and burned out. You're going to have days where you feel like you'll never, ever have enough knowledge or skill to be a practicing PT.

It's in those moments that you figure out why you're doing this. It's in those moments where you find the inner strength and determination to go on. It's in those moments where your friends and classmates (who have felt exactly the same way at one point or another) can encourage you and support you. Because the truth is, we've all gone through those feelings of self-doubt. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles in this program. It's hard. It's a lot to learn. But in the end, knowing that we made it through despite difficult material, long nights, and endless studying is what's going to make it worth it. Seeing how far we've come (hopefully we'll know a lot more at the end of these three years) will make us appreciate all the hard work it took to acquire that knowledge. And everything we've gone through together creates a special bond for us as a class. So the next time I feel like I should drop out of PT school, I think I'll come back to read my own post and remember why I should stay!

Stressed out

School is really tough right now. I have two hard tests next week and they're my two least favorite classes. Which means I have zero motivation to study, even though I don't understand the material. I really need to stop procrastinating and start studying!

I also had a test this past week and I stayed up late to study, so I didn't get enough sleep. As a result, I've been tired and cranky. And I've been stressed out, which hasn't helped my mood. After this week, I think things will calm down again, but right now everything's due at the same time, and it just sucks. Sometimes I hate grad school.

The VCU/MCV building looming over the city. Like all the homework looming over my head.

This world is not all there is

This world is not all there is;

I can tell by the secrets the wind whispers

And by the delicate buds on the flower.

There is more to the story;

I know it when I see a majestic mountain

Or a tiny snowflake that seems handcrafted
Just for me to appreciate.

I know there’s a great force at work when I
Hear laughter, or see a hundred faces a day
And they’re all different, yet beautiful
Each in their own way.

I hear it in music, in birdsong, in the humming of technology,
In the crash of the waves on the shore.

I see it in art, in landscaping, in the trees, and in my fingers

And I know, there’s got to be more.

More than this earth, more than we can see

More than we can know or understand

I can’t wrap my mind around it completely,

But I know for sure: This world is not all there is.

Don’t despair; there’s something more.

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Odds & Ends

• I had a great weekend. Tristan came to visit again, and we always have fun together! We went to Zumba on Saturday morning, which was a really great workout. We're both trying to get in shape this semester. Speaking of which, I think I'm going to sign up for a 5k in the near future. I've wanted to run a 5k for awhile, and I think if I have a goal like that in mind it will be easier to stay motivated to work out. Plus, I want to get a cool t-shirt. Richmond has lots of races that happen all the time, so I just need to find one that I can register for. There's one March 5, but I don't know if I'll be ready that soon.

I went to Sunday school and church today, and it was nice to see some familiar faces and have people come up and say "hi". This was my third time going to Grace church, and I like it more every time! I'm going to start going to a young adult Bible study on Monday night. I'm really excited to get together with other Christians and have some fellowship time. I've already met a couple of people at Grace, and they've all been really nice.

• The weather in Richmond has been so nice lately! I can't wait to be able to do stuff outside again without freezing. I want to play tennis when it gets warmer, and go for runs outside, and be active outdoors! I also want to explore more of Richmond. Tristan and I tried a new restaurant this weekend. It was a little diner/bar called F.W. Sullivan's. We both got specialty burgers, and they were delicious! I like the quaint city restaurants that aren't part of a big chain. This week I also discovered a park close to my apartment that has a frisbee golf course, so I'm going to have to try that out when the weather gets warmer.

I might be getting a new car soon. My brother Kyle crashed his car a week ago and my parents have been trying to figure out what they're going to do. In the end, they suggested that I sell him my car and get a new car for myself (new to me; it will be a used car). I wanted my next car to be a little bigger, so we're looking at the Toyota RAV4, the Honda CRV, and similar models. My parents are going to help me pay for it and I'm going to pay them back. It's 2 years earlier than I had planned on getting another car, so I'm excited! I'll miss my little Seabiscuit though. He's been through a lot and he's been pretty reliable.

• Finally, I had my first clincal on Friday, and it was exciting! I got to see all kinds of patients in the ICU and acute care. I got to see Luke, the PT, set up a wound vac (the wound was gross/cool- you could see muscles and tendons and everything!). I got to see a whirlpool treatment for a wound with necrotic tissue. We did an eval on a foreign patient with a schizoaffective disorder, which was interesting to say the least. She was in a Posey bed, which is an enclosed bed (a type of restraint that requires a Dr's order every 24 hours). Seeing Luke do his job made me want to be a real PT right now! I can't wait to get out there and be able to treat patients and do evals and put my knowledge to good use. Although I still feel like I know next to nothing. Guess I better hit the books.

My plan failed miserably

My sneaky little plan that I wrote about here did not work at all. Not only did I have to answer several questions, but I had to go up to the front of the classroom to do it! My professor for Measurement and Assessment (I'll call him Dr. Puzzle) was not in a very good mood today, and he started calling on people left and right. I think I made a little too much eye contact because he pointed right at me and asked me to come to the front of the class and answer some questions about the arthrokinematics of knee flexion.

Luckily, I remembered from kinesiology last semester that when the tibia moves on the femur, it rolls and glides posteriorly. But then he asked what limits the motion. At first I said ACL, but by the look on his face I knew that wasn't right, so then I guessed anterior capsule. Thankfully he liked that answer and went on to talk about how the anterior capsule becomes taut. Meanwhile, I'm still up at the front of the room just hanging out. He asked another question I think, but I don't remember what it was. I was so grateful when he told me I could go back to my seat!

Dr. Puzzle has about a dozen online articles he wants us to read so he can ask us questions about them in class. I haven't read any of them yet because they're so boring. But after today, I feel like maybe I should start.

How my parents were saved

My parents were not Christians when they got married. Although they had morals and values, and had been to churches before, they'd never committed their lives to Christ. My mom and dad met at a hospital in Pennsylvania where they both worked. After they got married, they moved to Oklahoma so my dad could complete his service in the Air Force. In a small town in Oklahoma, my parents tried out two different churches and got a home visit from two different pastors.

The pastor of the first church was friendly, welcoming, and very smart. He entertained them with stories about his life. They discussed current events, literature, politics, you name it. That pastor was well-dressed, well-spoken, and funny. My mom said they had a very enjoyable evening with him, and talked about all sorts of things.

The other pastor wasn't as well-dressed or as well-spoken, but he was still friendly and nice.  When he came to visit, they didn't talk about a broad range of topics. In fact, all he could talk about was God. He talked about Jesus and salvation and the resurrection and eternal life. He answered any questions my mom and dad had. I don't think they'd ever had the Gospel explained to them the way he explained it. That pastor was passionate about what he believed. By the end of the night he said, "I think you're ready to make a decision." He was right. He prayed with my mom and dad that evening and they both accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.

It may sound dumb, but I still tear up when I think of this story. As a result of one man's passion and conviction, my parents were saved and MY life changed forever. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't grown up in a Christian home. I might never have been introduced to Jesus at such a young age and my life would have been totally different. But luckily there was a pastor of a baptist church in a small town in Oklahoma who was a sold-out Christian- who cared enough to tell my parents the best news they ever could have heard- that they had a chance for eternal life through the grace of Jesus Christ!

I never knew this man (that I can remember) and I don't even know his name, but I'm eternally grateful to him for making a house call one time over 20 years ago and sharing the love of God with a young couple that night. He might not know that the message he gave has been passed on to another generation (and hopefully will continue to be passed on for many more). It makes me wonder: What could I do if I was totally sold-out for Christ? That pastor was making such a difference in the middle of nowhere. What can I do, here and now, in the place where God has put me? You never know how your choices today will affect others- days, months, even years from now.

I love this story of how my parents got saved because it's still affecting me every day. If I could go back and talk to that pastor, I would say, "Thank you! You have no idea how the choice you made that day has changed my life." The older I get, the more I realize how much God matters to me and how little everything else does. Only what we do for Him will last forever! And I keep asking myself, "What am I doing today that will make an eternal difference?"

Getting my second wind

In my exercise physiology class, someone asked an interesting question: What causes a person to get their second wind? The professor didn't know, but suggested that endorphins may have something to do with it. Here's what wikipedia had to say:

Second wind is a phenomenon in distance running, such as marathons or road running (as well as other sports), whereby an athlete who is too out of breath and tired to continue suddenly finds the strength to press on at top performance with less exertion. The feeling may be similar to that of a "runner's high", the most obvious difference being that the runner's high occurs after the race is over. Some scientists believe the second wind to be a result of the body finding the proper balance of oxygen to counteract the buildup of lactic acid in the muscles. Others claim second winds are due to endorphin production, while still others believe it to be purely psychological.

Documented experiences of the second wind go back at least 100 years, when it was taken to be a commonly held fact of exercise. The phenomenon has come to be used as a metaphor for continuing on with renewed energy past the point thought to be one's prime, whether in other sports, careers, or life in general.

Getting a second wind is a perfect metaphor for what happened to me after I got completely burned out with school. It happened to me my junior year of college. I was so tired of the constant studying and the grind of classes that I seriously considered taking a year off and getting a job. (I couldn't do that though because I would have lost my scholarships). But I remember thinking that I couldn't stand to go to grad school right after college. I was just worn out and ready to be done with school.

However, now that I'm here in PT school, I feel like I've gotten my second wind. I have a renewed energy for studying and learning. Although it's definitely not easy, I've found that I really enjoy what I'm learning in this program. I don't know if it's because I have a goal in mind, or because I've found a field that I like, or maybe I just had to go through some depressing days before I could truly enjoy what I'm doing now. Whatever it is, I've hit my stride now, and I'm happy with where I'm headed. :)

Being anonymous

I've found that this semester it's been beneficial for the professors NOT to know my name. The prof for my Measurement and Assessment class calls on people all the time out of the blue, but he tends to only call on students whose names he remembers. Luckily, "Kim" seems to be easy to forget, and since there's another Kim in my class, I figure the chances of me being called on are even further diminished. In my exercise physiology class, the prof (Dr. Ross) likes to pick on people when they answer a question, so I tend to keep quiet in that class too. I usually like to answer a question if I know the answer, but I've decided that it's safer in these classes not to say anything.

Dr. Ross is the youngest professor at VCU and he likes to go off on tangents and tell us random stories. Case in point: He was telling us about how he read the book "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" to his kids. The name of the town was called "Chewandswallow". He pronounced it Che-wands-a-wallow, but the correct pronunciation is Chew-and-swallow. Haha. He told us that even someone with a professional career and a PhD can be an idiot sometimes. That's good, because I'm an idiot a LOT of the time. Sometimes it amazes me that I do so well in school, because I have such little common sense in real life!

School has been pretty boring so far this semester. I thought we'd be getting into some more applicable stuff, but we're reviewing a lot of material from last semester. I think the good stuff is coming! It's just taking longer than I thought to review some pretty basic material. I'm sure in a couple weeks I'll be overwhelmed and wonder why I wanted to jump into the difficult stuff so fast. I just want to get to more interesting topics though. There's so much I still have to learn before I'll feel like I have any clue what I'm doing.